Rafael Behr

Rubber reggae mashup

It's the Beatles meet Joe White: If I needed someone. (Via GYBO)

Things I have learned since becoming a parent (Part II in an occasional series)

The exact location of every creaking floorboard in the house.

You put your child to bed, stroking, patting, reassuring, crooning until you think she is asleep. Then you tiptoe, with what you like to think is the stealth of a ninja assassin but is in fact the lumbering gait of an elephant on ketamine, towards the door. Then one of the floorboards emits a faint squeaking noise, scarcely audible by the human ear but somehow pitched at a unique frequency designed by nature to puncture the thin film of slumber covering a recently comforted infant. And all is lost. 'Daddy? Daddy ! Daaaaaaadddddeeeeeeee!'

Back to square one.

But I am wise now. I retreat from the bedroom on all fours to spread my weight more evenly. I have also charted an exact path that will take me out of the door and down the hall without making contact with any errant woodwork.

See also: how to close doors so gradually that a dozing child does not notice the diminution of light in her room.